Haiz

again i dont feel right.
morning was hyper-active. just feel like running around, jumping up and down.
at late noon, i was totally lifeless. i feel that even if a car were to bang me, i wun have the will to tell myself to live on. today only ate 1 chicken pie and 1 bar of chocolate.

From tomorrow onwards, i will offically stop taking my pills. the effects are far too drastic.
i lost 5kg due to the lost of appetite.

i can feel that a tiny part of me is weeping. so tiny that i can only feel it sometimes. i do not feel sad about it but there is another part of me that just wants to give up everything and have as much fun as i can which is the stronger feeling that is affecting me.

i do not know what has become of me.
i gave up on the pills, on myself and on god.
i feel so helpless, so lifeless and so dead.




i am not trying to emo or self pity, i had already tried my best.

Updating for 2 day

all i did was slack, slack and slack...
bored stiff...
lol...

didnt attend church today because there is something i dun like about my church but i am not going to say it... it might affect other's thinking...

consider changing church... but which church will allow me to serve in their music minstery...

but doesnt really matter... i can serve God using other ways...

mood hav been ok... saturday was more temperamental while sunday was slackday...
i think i am slowing going back to my oldself...

4th day on medication

did well in maths and biology. memory slowly coming back.
able to sleep, wake up and eat well.

really happy but it seems to hav made me a little more temperamental.

concentration actually helps me to gym properly as well. as i am able to focus my will power to do workout.

my indoor tanning session is about to finish. should u carry on?
=X till i save money 1st ba...

need to rest and regulate sleeping hours...
good nite...

another Lifeless day

ZZZzz... ZZZZzzzz... once again i missed half a day of lessons schl due to overslept.

i seem to be able to sleep again. well at least thats what i really hope but i am still emotionless.
its really tiring. sometime i will try to feel if i am sad or happy. but i just cant feel anything.

every1 around me is asking me to lessen my dosage but i really want it to work and heal me.
i dun know if i should listen to the doc or the ppl.

anyways, i am rushing through my writing cause i need to sleep early.
well, going to slp liao.
nitez.

dear diary

today had been a long day. it has been weeks since i didnt miss a single lesson for awhole day.

feeling lethargic and zombie-like lifelessness.

Had been stoic and rather hard for me to laugh at things and enjoy relaxing and beautiful environments.

In simpler terms, i cant feel anything(emotions) at all. The only thing i can feel is the tiredness setting in due to the consecutative lack of sleep for the pass few nights and because of the newly introducted medication.


i guess that there is a price to pay for everything. like for my instance, i would need to give up my senses and ability to sleep well.

i just got back from marina barrage with Marran, Sean and mr insecurity(xaiver).

some pictures =D finally

Good night?

zzz. i only managed to sleep at 5.30am. was unable to sleep which i strongly believe is due to my medication. my medication was supposed to boost up my concentration but i took it at the timing that was a little too near bed time.

went to play badminton with my church friends just to exhaust myself so that i could sleep well tonight.
pretty tired though. =X

i am going to turn in early today.
nitez all.

Sad

i am a failure. i am stuck. i try my best to make my parents happy. i cant study yet i cant make my parents disown me. it's a curse to have me.

For your info, i am not emo-ing. i am stating a fact/difficulty in my life.

i am a boring person because i had been forced to be a adult, and to face this world alone since i was a kid.
i am a sad person as i have never experience true happiness in my own burrow since i was a kid.
i do not know how to love for i had never experience the sweetness of love.
And i would fly so high that i will die of suffocation due to the high multitude and low oxygen level because i had been heavily deprived of freedom and the defiance and rash nature that had set in me.
I blamed my parents but i was told they were not to be blamed.
The only person i can blame is, myself.
It's fate that i led such a life.
it's fate that brought this upon me.
when i later found out that fate was just a reason for people to escape reality and responsibility,
i resigned.
i resign myself to life.

ps: i had been diagnose with ADD(Attention Deficit Disorder) by my psychiatry.

just another mediocre sunday

today, my mood had been pretty good.

after nearly 3 weeks of absence from church, i finally decided to go back "home".
been going through some couselling. hopeful it will aid me in my ability to face the hash reality of life.

i suspect that i have mild bipolar disorder. at times i just feel on top of the world and at times, i feel like i am falling down a bottomless pit. when i am down, everyone around me gets affect, i feel really dejected and guilty for bringing such distressfulness to every living soul around me.

But all these bad things aside, i am really looking forward to entering Poly.
My DREAM(note: its only a dream) of getting 12 points for o levels seems like mission impossible. Nevertheless, i will preserver.(just hope my preserverance can last me long enough before another breakdown/burn out/lowkey/meltdown.)

tomorrow i am going to see a physiatrist regarding my concentration problem.
let hope i get it healed up, at least 1 less issue to tackle.
wish me luck and pray for me.
thank you
fraser
(",)

Hi all

LOL... long long time sinced i blog, recently, many things happened to me in life.

Now mid term in Chec(city harvest education centre). almost gave up half way through.

latest update:
i got myself a new white specs,
i died my hair red,
i signed up for california gym (getting fitter),
i signed up for indoor tanning (rather tanned),
i just got a ipod touch,
i got rejected once,
currently climbing up and trying to standup from the lowest point of my life,
losing my brains ability to concentrate.

haha that more or less sum up for all the updates.

and i really hav to openly delcare that i love mrs.marran and mr.bear;
lover/soulmate of my life.


will post a few pic
when i get to take pictures.. haha